May 26, 2015

  • I could’ve eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!
  • Don’t drink and park – accidents cause people.
  • Solution to two of the world’s problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.
  • Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
  • Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege

Funny Friendship Quotes

  • There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.
  • It is good when a dog is your friend, but when your friend is a dog…
  • It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.
  • It’s a pleasure to see you and another – not to see.
  • Maybe you need a ladder to climb out of my business?

 

Today morning

  • Today morning, I saw a piece of shit on the ground and it instantly reminded me of you.
  • I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand.
  • You’re as meaningful as the ‘P’ in psycho. (Rolling On Laughing Floor)
  • I can already smell all the roses I’m not going to receive on Valentine’s day.
  • Why do people write LOL, when they have nothing else to say.

May 18, 2015

  • When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
  • If you can’t explain it to a six year old, you don’t understand it yourself.
  • Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
  • Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
  • I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

May 17, 2015

  • Life doesn’t have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.
  • If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front.
  • All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
  • A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.
  • I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.

May 15, 2015

  • Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably a crap.
  • I have two daughters and both are girls.
  • I come up with the best ideas when sitting on the toilet then forget them after the flush.
  • When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
  • Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

May 13 2015

  • You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
  • The road to success is always under construction.
  • Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter… people the opposite.
  • It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
  • People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.

May 12 2015

  • Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
  • If your father is a poor man, it is your fate, but if your father-in-law is a poor man, it’s your stupidity.
  • 9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
  • Don’t drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
  • I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
  • When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you. And she never did.

Funny Quotes by Oscar Wilde

  • Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
  • All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his.
  • A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally.
  • Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
  • I like men who have a future and women who have a past.

May 06, 2015

  • What do cashiers and security guards have in common? They check you out.
  • People compare cheating to ice because they think its cool.
  • Never ask a drunk man a question because he will tell you the truth.
  • People treat relationships like religion, if you are not committed you are a sinner.
  • Marriage is like a contract, once you back out of it you pay.