- Today is national animal day. Please take a moment to remember your ex.
- Never laugh at your girlfriend’s choices. You are one of them.
- Don’t hate me because I’m handsome, hate me because your girlfriend thinks I am.
- My EX had one very annoying habit. Breathing!
- If you’re Happy and you know it thank your ex!
Just be yourself, there is no one better.
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
In any situation, the best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing; the worst thing you can do is nothing.
If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.
- If we lose this war, I’ll just start another in my wife’s name.
- If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
- A wise man once said ‘I don’t know, go ask a woman.
- I’m eating just in case I get hungry in the future.
- That moment of joy when you find money in your pocket.
- I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places
- Always laugh when you can. It is cheapest medicine.
- There are three sides to an argument, your side, my side, and the right side.
- I don’t understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I’m trusting you with my money, you
- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars and I think to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?!
- Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably a crap.
- Sometimes I wish my dog could talk, but then I remember all the crazy shit he’s witnessed me doing.
- SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won’t be able to see.
- My husband and I divorced over religious differences – He
thought he was God.
- Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
- I could’ve eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!
- Don’t drink and park – accidents cause people.
- Solution to two of the world’s problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.
- Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
- Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege
- There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.
- It is good when a dog is your friend, but when your friend is a dog…
- It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.
- It’s a pleasure to see you and another – not to see.
- Maybe you need a ladder to climb out of my business?
- Today morning, I saw a piece of shit on the ground and it instantly reminded me of you.
- I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand.
- You’re as meaningful as the ‘P’ in psycho. (Rolling On Laughing Floor)
- I can already smell all the roses I’m not going to receive on Valentine’s day.
- Why do people write LOL, when they have nothing else to say.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
If you can’t explain it to a six year old, you don’t understand it yourself.
Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Life doesn’t have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.
If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front.
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.
I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.