Today is national animal day

  • Today is national animal day. Please take a moment to remember your ex.
  • Never laugh at your girlfriend’s choices. You are one of them.
  • Don’t hate me because I’m handsome, hate me because your girlfriend thinks I am.
  • My EX had one very annoying habit. Breathing!
  • If you’re Happy and you know it thank your ex!

Just be yourself

  • Just be yourself, there is no one better.

    Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

    In any situation, the best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing; the worst thing you can do is nothing.

    If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.

     

     

If we lose this war

  • If we lose this war, I’ll just start another in my wife’s name.
  • If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
  • A wise man once said ‘I don’t know, go ask a woman.
  • I’m eating just in case I get hungry in the future.
  • That moment of joy when you find money in your pocket.

I broke my leg

  • I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places
  • Always laugh when you can. It is cheapest medicine.
  • There are three sides to an argument, your side, my side, and the right side.
  • I don’t understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I’m trusting you with my money, you
  • Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars and I think to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?!

Love is like a fart

  • Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably a crap.
  • Sometimes I wish my dog could talk, but then I remember all the crazy shit he’s witnessed me doing.
  • SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won’t be able to see.
  • My husband and I divorced over religious differences – He
    thought he was God.
  • Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

May 26, 2015

  • I could’ve eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!
  • Don’t drink and park – accidents cause people.
  • Solution to two of the world’s problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.
  • Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
  • Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege

Funny Friendship Quotes

  • There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.
  • It is good when a dog is your friend, but when your friend is a dog…
  • It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.
  • It’s a pleasure to see you and another – not to see.
  • Maybe you need a ladder to climb out of my business?

 

Today morning

  • Today morning, I saw a piece of shit on the ground and it instantly reminded me of you.
  • I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand.
  • You’re as meaningful as the ‘P’ in psycho. (Rolling On Laughing Floor)
  • I can already smell all the roses I’m not going to receive on Valentine’s day.
  • Why do people write LOL, when they have nothing else to say.

May 18, 2015

  • When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
  • If you can’t explain it to a six year old, you don’t understand it yourself.
  • Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
  • Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
  • I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

May 17, 2015

  • Life doesn’t have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.
  • If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front.
  • All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
  • A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.
  • I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.